What is value? Most would say it is rands and cents and the balance of these. But I have been learning about a different equation all together.
I have been married now for a year and three months. And what a journey it has been. You set off with many plans and dreams and reckon that all will happen as you expect. Well, this is not the case, as some you well know! We have been trying for a family and we have had some difficulties - and this process has been a heart wrenching experience for both myself and Gavin. What is value?
A sobering thought dawned on me not so long ago! As some of you can perhaps relate, the first question everybody asks after marriage "So, any babies?" After a while you begin to think, naturally, babies are the next step. When you have children your family is complete, having children make a family. Then a somewhat sense of pressure comes in. Time passes, nothing happens, more pressure sets in. You start to dread that question and in fact you avoid it as much as you can. Then not to mention the feelings of fear, anger, helplessness, envy, jealousy, disappointment and great pain!! You begin to think there is something wrong with me? Is God punishing me, us? Your friends all seem to conceive easily, there must be something wrong. Your mind goes wild with self accusation to the point that you feel a total failure! I have felt as a failure as a woman telling myself "Why can I not conceive?" "What is wrong with me" The words "have Faith" are thrown at you and you have no idea what that really means anymore. The "your time will come" statement is used as a sentence filler!! The "we totally understand" makes me want to throw something!! These are all very real emotions - and forgive me for the blunt delivery of these! We always, or often feel that we have to hold a brave face. Faith has to be seen at all times! I cannot make faith look like anything - all I can do is place my hope in God and trust that He will give me the faith and the courage and the grace each day! And most days I feel that even then I fall short.
The sobering thought I had was this "Gavin and I are a family". We do not need a child to make this a family. I remember sitting with my gorgeous man having breakfast and as we were speaking we both burst into tears when we realised a truth, that even if we were never to have children - We are enough. Together we are enough. At this time, as painful as that thought and reality was, it also brought a sense of peace. Sometimes by letting go you can carry on a while longer. And I don't understand why or what, but I know this, I love my husband with all my heart...more now than the day I married him. He is God's gift to me and this journey has brought us so much closer to each other. He has been the most amazing support to me - in his strength of character! What a wonderful man you are my love.
What is value? Do we really understand value? I don't think I do yet...but one thing I do know is that I love God and I love my husband with my whole heart. And if we are never to have a child of our own, these two will be enough!