My racing heart....My racing mind ......
It has been a good long while since I posted anything on this blog - shocking stuff. I have recently been inspired to once again start writing and posting some of my thoughts again.
The thought that is the front runner at the moment is my internal deliberation on whether to adopt a child as a single or not? It has been a desire of mine that has been there for many years - and recently this feeling as definitely popped to the service...which gives it reason to demand attention!!! I have been chatting to some friends and family and the responses have all varied from "Go for it" to "Are you insane" ....
This is quite an emotional roller coaster, for there are some days that I am convinced that this is the right thing to do and then again I have my days where my doubts and fears seem to be pulling the strings much harder...
I remember as a little girl, the only real BIG dream and desire I had was to be a loving caring wife and a mother. I was always mocked for it whilst growing up - but with all that life has dealt me and with all my learning and growing into an authentic adult, this passion and dream still remains. I have over time faced many disappointments and heartaches of which the worst was the death of my mother 9 years ago. This devastating life changing event still seems so fresh in my mind and it feels like only yesterday. Heartaches can break you, and for a while it felt like this would, but, looking back I see how I have grown as a person and all that I have learnt in the time of walking through loss and grief - it has made me stronger. My biggest sadness at this crossroad in my life is that I cannot approach my mom to ask her for her wisdom, love and support. I know in my heart that she would be behind me 100% - even so, it is nice to hear those words from the person that you love and miss.
As a youngster I never thought I would have to face getting married (not on the cards right now) and having a family with out having my mom in the picture. I have very many special people in my life, of which my sister Saskia has been a strong support and she has made a huge impact on my life - with out our friendship as sisters, I would have struggled so much more. She is a person I respect and admire very much. Saskia knows that she (not in a creepy way) would be in my life what my mom would have had she still been alive. With me being the younger sister - I guarantee I will rely heavily on the wisdom of my older sister - whom I might add has done a brilliant job at being a mother herself!!! I will strongly rely on the support from my family as a whole, if the adoption route is my direction - then my little nunu will have a wonderful strong uncle, Marco, whom I am sure will enrich his/her life hugely as a male figure, with his flare and charm with people and his great sense of humour. Bongi, my younger sister, will entertain him/her and freely give fashion advice....and not to mention the cousins that will stand in line...all round my nunu will have a very blessed and loving bunch of peeps around him/her....all the way from Grandfather to cousins to friends.....
Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is that this decision in my life is definitely not taken lightly - but it is a desire that is pressing very much on my heart at the moment!!! What to do? Where to go?
I am looking into getting as much info as I can right now - and along with that I trust that God will guide me in the direction he has for me....hopefully I will be sensitive enough to know what that is and not bull dose on my own selfish ambition - after all, to have a child, whether adopted or naturally, is ultimately about the child, not me....
