My racing heart....My racing mind ......

It has been a good long while since I posted anything on this blog - shocking stuff. I have recently been inspired to once again start writing and posting some of my thoughts again.

The thought that is the front runner at the moment is my internal deliberation on whether to adopt a child as a single or not? It has been a desire of mine that has been there for many years - and recently this feeling as definitely popped to the service...which gives it reason to demand attention!!! I have been chatting to some friends and family and the responses have all varied from "Go for it" to "Are you insane" ....

This is quite an emotional roller coaster, for there are some days that I am convinced that this is the right thing to do and then again I have my days where my doubts and fears seem to be pulling the strings much harder...

I remember as a little girl, the only real BIG dream and desire I had was to be a loving caring wife and a mother. I was always mocked for it whilst growing up - but with all that life has dealt me and with all my learning and growing into an authentic adult, this passion and dream still remains. I have over time faced many disappointments and heartaches of which the worst was the death of my mother 9 years ago. This devastating life changing event still seems so fresh in my mind and it feels like only yesterday. Heartaches can break you, and for a while it felt like this would, but, looking back I see how I have grown as a person and all that I have learnt in the time of walking through loss and grief - it has made me stronger. My biggest sadness at this crossroad in my life is that I cannot approach my mom to ask her for her wisdom, love and support. I know in my heart that she would be behind me 100% - even so, it is nice to hear those words from the person that you love and miss.

As a youngster I never thought I would have to face getting married (not on the cards right now) and having a family with out having my mom in the picture. I have very many special people in my life, of which my sister Saskia has been a strong support and she has made a huge impact on my life - with out our friendship as sisters, I would have struggled so much more. She is a person I respect and admire very much. Saskia knows that she (not in a creepy way) would be in my life what my mom would have had she still been alive. With me being the younger sister - I guarantee I will rely heavily on the wisdom of my older sister - whom I might add has done a brilliant job at being a mother herself!!! I will strongly rely on the support from my family as a whole, if the adoption route is my direction - then my little nunu will have a wonderful strong uncle, Marco, whom I am sure will enrich his/her life hugely as a male figure, with his flare and charm with people and his great sense of humour. Bongi, my younger sister, will entertain him/her and freely give fashion advice....and not to mention the cousins that will stand in line...all round my nunu will have a very blessed and loving bunch of peeps around him/her....all the way from Grandfather to cousins to friends.....

Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is that this decision in my life is definitely not taken lightly - but it is a desire that is pressing very much on my heart at the moment!!! What to do? Where to go?

I am looking into getting as much info as I can right now - and along with that I trust that God will guide me in the direction he has for me....hopefully I will be sensitive enough to know what that is and not bull dose on my own selfish ambition - after all, to have a child, whether adopted or naturally, is ultimately about the child, not me....

Is the world flat....

I could have sworn that I have fallen off this planet earth...I have been gone for far too long!!! Time to get back to the blogging thing....

Bigger Blogging....

I am so excited to see that my friends are also starting to blog......some cool and interesting stuff to chat about and many thoughts to express.....Chate, Warren - go for it.....look forward to reading your stuff!!!!

The Dance and the Rythm of beautiful people.......can you hear it?

Well, today is Monday...... What is it about certain Mondays that make them so blue? I am sitting here at my desk and am struggling so to focus. I am def using a hell of a long runway today - for this week ahead.

You know, I was thinking this morning about judgement - the power of it in the wrong places that seem like the right places!!! Why do we as people sometimes think that we have the power to exercise judgment? Not only ourselves, but on others......are we not to accept and love people? Are we not meant to walk a road of love and encouragement with those around us? Since when has it become our duty to make sure that people are on the right track and living life like they should!

The joys of getting older is that you couldn't care less whether you fit in or not, whether you are being judged or not. Why is it though that we are always expected to fit into something? Be someone for someone or something? Round peg in a square hole. Can we not accept all for who they are.....if you are a square peg, why keep trying to fit into the round hole? Why is there underlying pressure to fit into something that we are not.....Is that pressure a normal part of living or are we just getting involved in areas where we were never meant to get involved. Are we wanting to drive a car that we were never given keys for? Do we really give the credit due where it belongs? Do we really see the quality and strength of people around us? Or do we prefer to play God and think we hold some kind of place of authority in our dealings with people everyday?

What amazes me is that when one stands up and in actual fact takes the stand for what you feel is right for you - then.....invariably, people won't like the shake or change and immediately will respond with suspicion and or distrust......

Do you really live in your rhythm? Are you dancing your dance? Or have you altered it so much that you forgot the sound?

Be who you are.....stand up and be yourself!!! You don't owe anybody that.....you owe it to your self. Each person has a rhythm and a dance.......can you hear it?

Step out and be yourself!!!!!

Dreams interpreted.....

The chewing glass thing......well, broken glass apparently means times of change!!!!! Sounds pretty cool to me......if anyone has any further interpretations - feel free to let me know.....intrigued!

Dreams: Scary stuff

I woke up this morning in a semi-cold frightened state.....I had had a dream, which seems a little strange to me. I dreamt that I was chewing on broken glass and was trying my best to get rid of the glass, spitting it out!!!! I was really struggling and woke up with a fright when realising that the glass just seemed to get more and more.....

What kinda dream is that? Madness....who chews on glass? Anyway, having a look in a dream dictionary, perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me something.......YOU THINK!

Reflection

The Journey of self holds no guarantees.... The mirror reflecting the me I see, deep with in, speaks a truth that creates discomfort to self and others. The prediction of wonder seems normal to all, but is it the truth we live.

With barren sight, alone and afraid, there is no hope in this place where I find myself. There is isolation that is so unbearable but yet become normal. To desire transformation from this arid existence is the daily thought with no obvious clear solution in sight! The darkness pulls over your eyes and into your soul and takes a grip too deep, too intense. You fall and cannot stand up again! Each life whipping, hits you harder and deeper until the bruises seem to no longer heal.

The scars are alive, so alive that your words speak only of them. The eyes speak only of the sadness, and hold no sight of the good and the wonder that surrounds. You have no place with in yourself to go, in each corner of my soul there seems to be a dweller! A dweller that has stayed for too long, PAIN!

As a child has a heart to play and learn, so do I have the desire to see that return with in me? I yearn to dance with glee, to scream with excitement, to feel free from grief and pain…. To feel life as a child who discovers it all for the first, the adventure of all that is new and the awe that remains long after!

Written: After the death of my mother in 2001