Coffee and a Soccer Match....?

As I sped around the corner and parked my car, I was late! (Little did I know that I was late for a meeting that would change my life completely.)

I took a flying leap out of my car, ran up the stairs and saw nobody!! Ran back down the stairs - and there stood a gentlemen who looked familiar. As we both "clicked" that we were there for the same reason - we shook hands, introduced ourselves quite formerly and then proceeded back up the stairs. As we found a table and took our seats there was such nervousness in the air. 

It was a somewhat chilly day as I recall, and we were seated outside, on the balcony of Jenna Viva. We placed an order and the conversation started...and carried on for the best part of four or five hours. This was all happening in the middle of a world cup soccer match, and I shamefully had to take a glance from time to time over Gavin's shoulder to see what the score was. I mean SOCCER WORLD CUP people!!!

As the chatter continued we both were getting cold. As I sit and recall this memory I have to chuckle - we were both far to polite at this stage to mention anything. Never the less, this day I will never forget. What was meant as a coffee meeting, ended up being a wonderful meal with a man that captured my heart totally, a life changing experience.

On this day, 12 June, two years ago, with a cup of coffee and a soccer match, I met the love of my life, God's gift to my heart.

The man I love

God's Gift to my Heart

Best Friends

Thank you Father God for this man that you gave me! May I treasure him always...as we walk life together and fall more and more in love!

VALUE RANDS AND CENTS?

What is value? Most would say it is rands and cents and the balance of these. But I have been learning about a different equation all together.

I have been married now for a year and three months. And what a journey it has been. You set off with many plans and dreams and reckon that all will happen as you expect. Well, this is not the case, as some you well know! We have been trying for a family and we have had some difficulties - and this process has been a heart wrenching experience for both myself and Gavin. What is value? 

A sobering thought dawned on me not so long ago! As some of you can perhaps relate, the first question everybody asks after marriage "So, any babies?" After a while you begin to think, naturally, babies are the next step. When you have children your family is complete, having children make a family. Then a somewhat sense of pressure comes in. Time passes, nothing happens, more pressure sets in. You start to dread that question and in fact you avoid it as much as you can. Then not to mention the feelings of fear, anger, helplessness, envy, jealousy, disappointment and great pain!! You begin to think there is something wrong with me? Is God punishing me, us? Your friends all seem to  conceive easily, there must be something wrong. Your mind goes wild with self accusation to the point that you feel a total failure! I have felt as a failure as a woman telling myself "Why can I not conceive?" "What is wrong with me" The words "have Faith" are thrown at you and you have no idea what that really means anymore. The "your time will come" statement is used as a sentence filler!! The "we totally understand" makes me want to throw something!! These are all very real emotions - and forgive me for the blunt delivery of these! We always, or often feel that we have to hold a brave face. Faith has to be seen at all times! I cannot make faith look like anything - all I can do is place my hope in God and trust that He will give me the faith and the courage and the grace each day! And most days I feel that even then I fall short.

 The sobering thought I had was this "Gavin and I are a family". We do not need a child to make this a family.  I remember sitting with my gorgeous man having breakfast and as we were speaking we both burst into tears when we realised a truth, that even if we were never to have children - We are enough. Together we are enough. At this time, as painful as that thought and reality was, it also brought a sense of peace. Sometimes by letting go you can carry on a while longer. And I don't understand why or what, but I know this, I love my husband with all my heart...more now than the day I married him. He is God's gift to me and this journey has brought us so much closer to each other. He has been the most amazing support to me - in his strength of character! What a wonderful man you are my love.

What is value? Do we really understand value? I don't think I do yet...but one thing I do know is that I love God and I love my husband with my whole heart. And if we are never to have a child of our own, these two will be enough! 

 As we continue on this journey we will begin to discover true value, the value that God speaks of in his word. And I mean a deep heart revelation of value...and as we walk this road of human heart break, disappointments and pain and joys, my one prayer is that God will be glorified in our lives!!

What is Family

I have had a passion for adoption for so many years - and not because of not having an ability to have children of my own - but simply because there are children in this world, in our own country, on our doorstep - that are in need of love and care. So many people put such a great emphasis on pregnancy and conceiving naturally and I have found that the general consensus about adoption is that it is seen or understood as plan B - when all else fails! Why is it that people have such a negative feeling toward adoption and also many people are so afraid of adoption....I would adopt tomorrow!

Having children and starting a family has been very high on my thought list lately - my husband I are so keen to start a family that we could actually just scream. We have been trying for several months and nothing - I am now 35 years old and not getting any younger. As time passes and my desire to be a mother and start a family is getting greater with each passing day. 

For many years now I have had the conviction in my heart that to give birth to a child does not make you a parent - it is the years that follow that truly make you parents. I may have mentioned this in a previous post. All the emotions that go with being a parent, is a challenge you will face for the rest of your life. Whether your child was born naturally or adopted - the process of being a parent is no different at all. The relationship you spend years developing with your children is the same. The discipline you need to give your children is the same. The love you give your children is the same. All children are the same because all children have one basic need - to be loved and to belong! No matter what colour or race, born to you naturally or adopted!!

My heart is totally for adoption and hopefully - God willing, very soon my husband and I can start the process of adopting. We are at this moment busy with our research and preparations. My Husband - bless his heart - is still in the processing phase, he has fears - which I totally understand. The choice to adopt is not one to be taken lightly - one should allow time and prepare yourself properly.  This is of of the many reasons I love my Husband so - nothing happens with out giving it much thought and being certain. I had these fears too when I first started processing my heart for adoption. My process I guess was made easy with my parents having adopted a little girl when she was 5 months old - she is now in her twenties - we would not be the same family with out her in it...I have had quite a number of years to put my heart at ease with what adoption is and I believe also the reason why I have such and overwhelming passion it - and believe in it.  

My heart is to give a child love... a home, a family. My husband and I have a lot of love to give!!! And, my Husband will be a brilliant father - he has the heart and a child would be so fortunate to call him dad. I am fortunate to be a parent with Him one day. He is the best part of my life and as long as it is us - together - we can tackle anything. 

I am thankful to God for our future family - which ever way He allows that to happen - I look forward to the journey of parenting!

I end off with this thought:

"The meaning of family is not based skin colour, ethnicity, or the cultures of the members. It is based on the love created through those relationships." unknown

When you Least expect it

How quickly life can change...in a blink! It is already 6 months ago since Gavin and I got married and I cannot believe how quickly the time has flown by. Last year I was still in the frame of mind of what ever happens happens and I decided to be in a space of contentment and peace - to embrace life and love it, no matter what.

As I sit here and think back to then, it amazes me that life can change so quickly. The moment you let go and let happen a whole new world can open to you and boy did that happen. I was at 35 years of age and having those crazy feelings (as i am sure some of you have had) of life is not going to happen for me in the way I want it to. I felt that life was forcing me to walk a path that I didn't want or choose. I was so wrong...looking back, and I guess that is always the beauty of hindsight, I can see that my life has taken the path it was meant to take in every way. The heartache that I have felt with the loss of a loved one, the heartache of loneliness and the moments of sheer joy. These are all important moments in what is called my journey. And as I sit here today I am greatful for every moment. I sit with a humble heart and again realise that we as humans have to enjoy the process we call life, the process that is our life and not let anything take away from the beauty of all our experiences - whether they be easy or tough. I am thankful for the person I have become today and the life I have lead and the life that I have!

I have met and married the most wonderful, gentle kind man - and had I Strived in the past to make it happen, make a relationship happen as I have done (as most of us have done before) I would not be sitting where I am now with the man that is truly my soulmate. I have the privilege of being married to my best friend - a prayer and desire that I have had for so many years. Thank you God for the gift that is my Husband, thank you for giving me the man that makes me totally happy ... thank you for giving me a life with a man that I can share joy, laughter as well as tears and heart felt moments. My life is exactly where it should be and let me try to not forget that - May I keep my focus on that which is a blessing all the time. We so often think that because things (relationships, children) seem to have taken so long that we have perhaps missed out on something - but I realise again that timing is everything and therefore I have missed nothing. There is an amazing future ahead, filled with much joy and blessing and God does know the desires of ones heart...Trust in Him and put your hope in Him.

My lesson that I had to learn was let go and let be - Trust God and that He knows and has the best for me. This is a lesson I am still learning and wanting to walk in...some days it is easier than others - but i reckon it is the best way! Wish me "luck" as I continue to live by this: Let go and let be!

My racing heart....My racing mind ......

It has been a good long while since I posted anything on this blog - shocking stuff. I have recently been inspired to once again start writing and posting some of my thoughts again.

The thought that is the front runner at the moment is my internal deliberation on whether to adopt a child as a single or not? It has been a desire of mine that has been there for many years - and recently this feeling as definitely popped to the service...which gives it reason to demand attention!!! I have been chatting to some friends and family and the responses have all varied from "Go for it" to "Are you insane" ....

This is quite an emotional roller coaster, for there are some days that I am convinced that this is the right thing to do and then again I have my days where my doubts and fears seem to be pulling the strings much harder...

I remember as a little girl, the only real BIG dream and desire I had was to be a loving caring wife and a mother. I was always mocked for it whilst growing up - but with all that life has dealt me and with all my learning and growing into an authentic adult, this passion and dream still remains. I have over time faced many disappointments and heartaches of which the worst was the death of my mother 9 years ago. This devastating life changing event still seems so fresh in my mind and it feels like only yesterday. Heartaches can break you, and for a while it felt like this would, but, looking back I see how I have grown as a person and all that I have learnt in the time of walking through loss and grief - it has made me stronger. My biggest sadness at this crossroad in my life is that I cannot approach my mom to ask her for her wisdom, love and support. I know in my heart that she would be behind me 100% - even so, it is nice to hear those words from the person that you love and miss.

As a youngster I never thought I would have to face getting married (not on the cards right now) and having a family with out having my mom in the picture. I have very many special people in my life, of which my sister Saskia has been a strong support and she has made a huge impact on my life - with out our friendship as sisters, I would have struggled so much more. She is a person I respect and admire very much. Saskia knows that she (not in a creepy way) would be in my life what my mom would have had she still been alive. With me being the younger sister - I guarantee I will rely heavily on the wisdom of my older sister - whom I might add has done a brilliant job at being a mother herself!!! I will strongly rely on the support from my family as a whole, if the adoption route is my direction - then my little nunu will have a wonderful strong uncle, Marco, whom I am sure will enrich his/her life hugely as a male figure, with his flare and charm with people and his great sense of humour. Bongi, my younger sister, will entertain him/her and freely give fashion advice....and not to mention the cousins that will stand in line...all round my nunu will have a very blessed and loving bunch of peeps around him/her....all the way from Grandfather to cousins to friends.....

Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is that this decision in my life is definitely not taken lightly - but it is a desire that is pressing very much on my heart at the moment!!! What to do? Where to go?

I am looking into getting as much info as I can right now - and along with that I trust that God will guide me in the direction he has for me....hopefully I will be sensitive enough to know what that is and not bull dose on my own selfish ambition - after all, to have a child, whether adopted or naturally, is ultimately about the child, not me....

Is the world flat....

I could have sworn that I have fallen off this planet earth...I have been gone for far too long!!! Time to get back to the blogging thing....

Bigger Blogging....

I am so excited to see that my friends are also starting to blog......some cool and interesting stuff to chat about and many thoughts to express.....Chate, Warren - go for it.....look forward to reading your stuff!!!!

The Dance and the Rythm of beautiful people.......can you hear it?

Well, today is Monday...... What is it about certain Mondays that make them so blue? I am sitting here at my desk and am struggling so to focus. I am def using a hell of a long runway today - for this week ahead.

You know, I was thinking this morning about judgement - the power of it in the wrong places that seem like the right places!!! Why do we as people sometimes think that we have the power to exercise judgment? Not only ourselves, but on others......are we not to accept and love people? Are we not meant to walk a road of love and encouragement with those around us? Since when has it become our duty to make sure that people are on the right track and living life like they should!

The joys of getting older is that you couldn't care less whether you fit in or not, whether you are being judged or not. Why is it though that we are always expected to fit into something? Be someone for someone or something? Round peg in a square hole. Can we not accept all for who they are.....if you are a square peg, why keep trying to fit into the round hole? Why is there underlying pressure to fit into something that we are not.....Is that pressure a normal part of living or are we just getting involved in areas where we were never meant to get involved. Are we wanting to drive a car that we were never given keys for? Do we really give the credit due where it belongs? Do we really see the quality and strength of people around us? Or do we prefer to play God and think we hold some kind of place of authority in our dealings with people everyday?

What amazes me is that when one stands up and in actual fact takes the stand for what you feel is right for you - then.....invariably, people won't like the shake or change and immediately will respond with suspicion and or distrust......

Do you really live in your rhythm? Are you dancing your dance? Or have you altered it so much that you forgot the sound?

Be who you are.....stand up and be yourself!!! You don't owe anybody that.....you owe it to your self. Each person has a rhythm and a dance.......can you hear it?

Step out and be yourself!!!!!

Dreams interpreted.....

The chewing glass thing......well, broken glass apparently means times of change!!!!! Sounds pretty cool to me......if anyone has any further interpretations - feel free to let me know.....intrigued!

Dreams: Scary stuff

I woke up this morning in a semi-cold frightened state.....I had had a dream, which seems a little strange to me. I dreamt that I was chewing on broken glass and was trying my best to get rid of the glass, spitting it out!!!! I was really struggling and woke up with a fright when realising that the glass just seemed to get more and more.....

What kinda dream is that? Madness....who chews on glass? Anyway, having a look in a dream dictionary, perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me something.......YOU THINK!

Reflection

The Journey of self holds no guarantees.... The mirror reflecting the me I see, deep with in, speaks a truth that creates discomfort to self and others. The prediction of wonder seems normal to all, but is it the truth we live.

With barren sight, alone and afraid, there is no hope in this place where I find myself. There is isolation that is so unbearable but yet become normal. To desire transformation from this arid existence is the daily thought with no obvious clear solution in sight! The darkness pulls over your eyes and into your soul and takes a grip too deep, too intense. You fall and cannot stand up again! Each life whipping, hits you harder and deeper until the bruises seem to no longer heal.

The scars are alive, so alive that your words speak only of them. The eyes speak only of the sadness, and hold no sight of the good and the wonder that surrounds. You have no place with in yourself to go, in each corner of my soul there seems to be a dweller! A dweller that has stayed for too long, PAIN!

As a child has a heart to play and learn, so do I have the desire to see that return with in me? I yearn to dance with glee, to scream with excitement, to feel free from grief and pain…. To feel life as a child who discovers it all for the first, the adventure of all that is new and the awe that remains long after!

Written: After the death of my mother in 2001

A Journey.......

Things I have read in the past that I appreciatte about our path to maturity…….we learn:

• The one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
• You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
• You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
• You'll fight with your best friend.
• You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
• You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you will lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

"Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!"

Heart of Mortal Man

The heart longs for life,
The heart dreams, reaches for dreams!

The heart is afraid!
The heart takes hold!
The heart risks all,

Moving toward that which makes it breath,
Makes it live, makes it more, deeper,
Beyond which the eye can see.

The heart has faith,
Faith to believe all that is unseen.
Faith to keep hoping and longing,
Keep on trying and fighting.

Moving toward that which makes it breath
Makes it live, makes it reach more, deeper,
Beyond which the eye can see.

The heart has fear
The heart has weakness,
The heart fails,
Creating room for growth,
Room for depth and life.
brings imperfection to light,
Creating awareness that it needs more,
More love, more faith and more of God.

The heart has pain,
Pain that breaks
Pain that builds,
Pain that lives,
Pain that dies,
Pain that reaches for the future,
To be all!

The heart cries,
Tears of pain,
Tears of joy,
Tears of fear,
Tears of failure,

Where water flows, growth takes place
Where water flows, life can reside.
Where water flows, love can settle in

Oh heart of mortal man!

Be courageous!
Be strong!
Have faith!

Reach deeper, further,
Break,
Heal,
Be all you can!

Live each day and experience the greatness of God
within the heart of mortal man!